It came and went.............

December 19 came and left.. we "thought" the girls (j and J) would be departing our home on that , what I considered, dreadful day... I rejoiced (just being honest) when I heard the news that they would not be leaving that day!... I am becoming more and more convinced that this system that the children are in is not about the kiddos and more about the parents.. don't get me wrong I know these parents need to be restored, taught , and walked hand in hand to remember or be taught how to be a parent.. BUT my heart just gets soooo sad hearing all the children that go home to parents who STILL have addictions, major obstacles, and LOTS of learning... it hurts deep...

As we were on our Christmas trip I was reminded that this may be J and J's  final vacation.. they are 15 months and 2.. that makes me sad... that makes me hurt for them.. not "just" because they won't have another vacation BUT that this might be the only time they get out of the city in which they were born... their lives might only be a few miles long.. a few miles wide.... not that we take these extravagant vacations ... BUT we are together as a family!.. they may not have a "family" again.. I can say that if they become believers that they will have a forever family.. adopted as daughters of the king, heirs, and sisters in Christ. so as the days grow closer and closer to the court date I will let these girls know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they have a family here EVEN if for a season then pray that God will move on their hearts and they will be beautifully saved!!!

confession! I LOVE Coffee!

This comes as a big shock to everyone BUT I LOVE Coffee!!.. I mean seriously I love COFFEE.. my friend Tanya really knows the love I have for it as she has a love for it too.. we plus Angela H figure out how to get coffee to China because we are so , shall I say addicted to it?? you see they don't have coffee shops or for that matter coffee.. they have tea and it is just.not.the.same!!! we packed our bags and made sure we had the Keurig and LOTS of coffee... and while we were there the keurig decided to blow up... so the campers in Angela H and I did stove top coffee.. and ahhhh.. we had coffee for 10 days and it was YUM!!!

Every morning I have my cup.. well 2, or 3 cups of coffee .. this is my time where I sip on coffee and drink from Gods word.. I love the quiet (i mean who would not when you have 6.7,8 kiddos) .. this gets me ready to tackle the demands of the day.. homeschooling, Dr appts, church, house cleaning, cooking, emotional and physical needs, etc... I need both... Jesus and His living word.... and coffee.. I am so thankful for the person who found the bean and decided to roast it and add water... mmmmmmm... anyone know who that was.. anyway??

today is the day.. I admit I have an addiction... and that is COFFEE!!! I mean I really do love it.. oh and when my hands are warmed by my mug.. oh I love that too... anyone else addicted?? maybe we should have coffee together :)

Will it get easier??

oh, man.. I am wondering if it will get easier... we got the phone call today that December 19 *MIGHT* be the day the other girls leave... Will it get easier? Will they be OK? Will they remember anything about our family? these are just some of the questions that go through this mind of mine! oh, by the way..  this journey is hard.. my heart hurts for those broken children, broken families... I know it is for a season BUT my heart wants them to stay!!! I am struggling.. struggling because I know more about the system than I want to.
BUT Again.. I trust! I trust God knows what is best, He is in control, and I put my all in Him! I know He is writing my story and our families story and these foster babies story!.. How could His story be wrong? Its not! He is in ultimate control of all things .. 
Romans 8:28-29 
²⁸ And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. ²⁹ For those whom He foreknew, He also predestined to become conformed to the image of His Son, so that He would be the firstborn among many brethren.

It is oh so hard to hold and then let go.... 

empty beds.....

This morning as I am drinking my coffee and doing my bible time I started thinking more and more about what our house will look like in 2 months... I do know that beyond a shadow of a doubt God does!
This is my brain.. I know after seeing all the questions you may say ... OH MY!!! that is enough thinking for one day  :)

What will an empty bed mean?
What will be in that bed in 6 months?
What "nameless" child will snuggle in those covers?
Will J (baby) have a partner to sleep with in her room?
Will J (big) have a slumber party for a few months with someone?
Will we have J and J much longer after Jan 6?
Will L and C love their beds like they do here?
Will they feel safe?
Will they have enough covers?
oh my and the list goes on... ... I have thought about empty beds so much lately! You see they have been occupied for 6 and 8 months... we have seen kiddos grow, cry, snuggle, and love their beds!!!

I think about our own kiddos and how much they LOVE their beds and they know that they can stay in those beds ... security, love, covers, and sometimes even doodle  snuggling to them!,... but that is not true of some foster kiddos.. they long to have a forever bed... they long to have a secure place to lay their head each night.. that is what makes me sad for these kiddos... they can never find rest BUT I do know that when they were here they could lay their head at night and know that it would be there for the next time!!!
I pray that each one of these girls finds their rest in God alone.. He is our comfort, security, love, Father and most of all that they know He loves them something BIG!!!
so as I think about the beds... empty... I will remember myself that God has much bigger plans and has more kiddos in line for the empty beds!
 

Happenings from yesterday....

Could you EVEN imagine... being a Judge??? oh.my. it would seriously be awful job!!!! I can't imagine what he must think EVERY single day hearing all the stuff we heard yesterday.. you see.. we had court AGAIN .. its hard! like REALLY hard... kids on the line. hearts on the line. families broken. pain involved. I do not like it Sam I am.. we heard it all from a opossum in a bed, nits and lice in hair, positive drug screens that morning, horrible car accidents, mom on the run, 18 wheeling homeschooling mom, a bailiff *maybe* having to take one down, and the list goes on..... its heavy, like REALLY heavy.. I would be so burdened EVERY night.. But thankfully he has to uphold the laws.. see he does not make the laws he just follows them.. I liked him a lot.. he had mercy but yet was stern with these parents... I know what he would have done personally.. but he must uphold laws. I am thankful we get 2 more months with J and J.. they bring so much fun to our family.. this month we will say goodbye to L and C but I know God has this situation and all things under control! and for that I am at peace and thankful! 

Job 1:21 always comes to mind when I think of my heart hurting about the days to come... 
He said, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, And naked I shall return there. The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away. Blessed be the name of the LORD."

Alone time, God, and Hugs....

Last night I was able to go to the grocery story... wait... listen.... BY MYSELF!!!! ahhhhh its the little things in life that make me giddy!!!!.. As I slowly strolled down aisles I would run into people I knew... and guess what ... I could actually carry on a conversation with them. I could listen to what was going on in their lives just by what they were saying and then I could finish some of the stuff because of facebook.. I was so thankful for facebook last night because I actually knew so much of what was going on in their life to be able to let them know how good it was to see what God was doing.. As I talked to each one of them God took me back to a place of how we met, what impact they had made in my own life, and those sweet hugs.. you know us lawrences are huggers :)  I checked out in Jon's checkout line (if you do not get to know your checkout person you are missing out.. I have shared with him several times about the Lord.. He is young and I am planting seeds each visit... 
As I was loading my groceries on a beautiful night I must add.. I was grateful to see each one of these sweet ladies... I was full as God had put each one of these ladies in my path last night and a memory in my heart forever.

transitioning

Change... its hard... I personally DO NOT like change, it messes with my brain, body, and deep... it causes you to realize yet AGAIN that you are NOT in control. you are reminded that life can change at any moment and you can do NOTHING about it.. that is where we are folks, change or for a more proper term transitioning (the webster defination is undergo or cause to undergo a process or period of transition) processes seem to take so long, it almost seems daunting .... I DON'T like it... my rebellious side says STOP.. do not pass go......
L and C are in the transitioning process for 7 weeks... I think personally it is not good for sweet L... C has no idea but L I think she is grasping and it hurts sooooo deep!.. I think she is hurting but being so young she can't tell you ... it is pitiful to see and experience BUT ad mist ALL this we can trust Jesus.. she can trust Jesus, He is unchanging!  He understands all our hurts and sorrow and He is praying on our behalf to the Father as are we.. As a momma I wanna take the pain away and ask God  "why?" But I know that in Romans 8:28 it says And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. He has a purpose in all things and I trust! I trust that He knows best.. we rejoice we had months to pour in to them, teach her soooo many things, love, let her experience lots of things, know about Jesus.

When the Judge rules.......

quiet, sad, shocked, disappointed, mad, and other mix of emotions has been where my heart has been for the last 2 days... we had court... with L and C... to just say it ... is they are going home :(  
so many things I want to type on this blog but for protection of the department .
 I will not put in their personal opinion... 
heart being ripped out, knife in the heart, nausea.... just some terms to describe my last 2 days.. I grieve.. I am sad.. is it OK to have emotion?? YES!! I wanna ball up in the fetal position and cry like a baby or hit my fist on the ground and ask why?  BUT,  God you have helped us mold, shape, love, hug, kiss, rear, and fall head over heals for these girls... we love them like our own.. I hurt.. I will mourn the loss of these precious girls.. I pray for their protection, ears and eyes.. I cling to Christ! he is my HOPE... I thank you Lord for allowing us to have this time with them.. 

I love you L and C.. and remember our song we sing EVERY MORNING!!!
 Jesus you are wonderful, Jesus you are wonderful, 
I will count my blessings everyday,  Jesus your wonderful to ME!!!

my dear Alexis...

Alexis... 

You are one precious girl! I love you with every inch of me! do you make wrong choices at times?? yes! are we all perfect? no.. I am reminded of the bracelet that Ms Michele gave you that said "grace".. yes.. you and us all need to be reminded of the grace that only God can give. Your tall stature,  long and lanky.. lightening speed and a determination to exceed any goal given to you! your light shines.. the soccer field you struggle to be aggressive because that is just not who you are.. mild mannered and oh so patient! if you can have 7 younger siblings and still have the smile and hug they need. you will be a WONDERFUL mom one day! there will be a lucky young man to have you by his side! You are not the normal "teen" yet that includes makeup or fashion (matter of fact you hate shopping right now) your hair you love to wear in a pony tail (well, you are at soccer 3 days a week).. I learn so much from you! you push me to be a better mom and I am forever grateful to call you daughter... remember that God formed you and he is molding you into His image every day! love you sweet girl!

Love,
Momma

Falling at the feet of Jesus

I just put a DVD in for the "little girls" about Jesus.. As I was pressing play I thought of where God has us right now... He has us falling at the feet of Jesus.. you see we should be falling at the feet of Jesus ALL the time and some days my head spins and I lay my head down and say .. did I miss Him today?? I do remember that God gently leads those with young and I fall on that scripture often.. I have 5 kiddos 4 and under... days seem crazy at times BUT for the most part our schedule helps with chaos... I was running last night and was talking to my running partner and I remember saying " I know this is the best home for these girls!"

As we approach October 7th which is our court date.. I have no control, I have no say, I have nothing but falling at the feet of Jesus.. My mind races with all the testimony, the progress of this mom, the possibilities of them going home, how to prepare our hearts if it is reunification, thinking of the tears that will flow if it was "T", and the list goes on!!!  But as this day approaches I know God you are sovereign, perfect, and all knowing! you know the puzzle I just see piece by piece... I trust, I trust YOU know best! I will fall at your sons feet and worship! I love you!

Where is the time??

I am up and at em.. yep 5:45 this am.. getting my coffee, as it is one of the most important times of my day!.. thinking of all the things we need to get together for our "split" day.. yep.. kennesaw and lagrange... I love them playing soccer and enjoying EVERY second but I do hate to be split up as a family!.. anyway I have wanted to sit at this computer more than one time in the last 2 month but 5 minutes here and there and also 8 kiddos makes it hard to get ONE thought out! so many heart issues I want to pen BUT time.. it seems to be taken.. every.single.minute. so many needs that need to me met.. no time except in the early morning hours of quiet.. so today I write a list of things on my heart.. maybe one day I can worte a blog on each :)

1. mom of a teenager.. Alexis you are precious! I get teary thinkng of the sweet young lady you have become.. I am thankful to call you sister in Christ and my daughter!
2. Random blessings JUST when you need them... diapers... they are a BLESSING (considering we have 3 still in them)
3.Fostering.. hardest and most rewarding all at the same time.
4. Court dates you wait for and remembering GOD is in control.
5. thanking God for our 2 best years of homeschooling we LOVE Classical Conversations
6. Laundry.. being convicted of complaining and being THANKFUL
7. Having to remind L every mornign to hug.. so sad at 2 this has not been modeled before now.
8. Last night mom waking us up at midnight to get the "thing" out the closet.. the cat!
9. working out! and Shakalogy
10. Church .. so much pain in people hurting!

Maybe one day .... but for now I wait, I wait for time to pen these.. but by then I will have a new list... so I will have be grateful for the little time I had to write the list :)

What this season of life has taught and brought me

What this season of life has taught and brought me:

live in the moment, hang on to the moments that are right before you, don't try to pass moments quickly, live for today, thank God for underwear hanging from the soap in the guest bathroom, grateful that J is getting therapy, being there when Alexis is having a hard time making decisions about a roll cart or book bag, using lots of gas in the new van, understanding grace on a new level, cooking BIG meals, thankful for being able to eat out once a week, blessings of strangers bringing you diapers, neighbors bringing us fresh veggies from their garden, chaos at times, L becoming a healthy child, Lane and Caleb enjoying Academy soccer, Alexis being the 1st player to join the "juggling club" with 26 juggles, messy kitchen, COFFEE, the "pen" for babies that are ALL over the place, hard working hubby, momma who keeps the kiddos so I can get to a dr appt with J, a sister who lets us go to court and keeps the other kiddos, double stroller, homeschooling all my kiddos, and the list can go on and on! I am often ask how I juggle everything... Jesus! He is my strength. period!

to the depths

oh my...
anytime we have a situation wether it be our kiddos or foster kiddos it goes to the depth of me!. Last week all 8 children had strep.. well thankfully it was different days where each one of them needed my attention indivually... do you see Gods grace in that? as each child hurt, moaned, fevered, I was raw to the depths.. my heart ached for each one of them...

When a boo boo happens, bad dream, friend hurting your own, or hormonal stuff you hurt, deep hurt!

As I write and God knows the depths of my hurt for each child in our home whether it be biological or foster when they are in pain or hurting socially or just cant do certain things.. yesterday we had a big meeting with a professional and we heard some news that makes you raw... hurt, question, BUT most of all lean on Jesus.. He is the healer for the broken, He is the sustainer for the weak, He is the comforter for uncomfortable situations, He is the Joy in the midst of trials....

so as we press on we know beyond a doubt we take refuge under His wings just like a mother to her ducklings! We trust that He knows what is best, We know He will lead us to the right Dr's, and we trust in His timing!

most commonly ask question of a mom of 8!

as I stroll through the park, grocery store, doctors office, church, out at a restaurant and I have all my "ducklings" behind, beside, up on, pushing in the stroller the most common question is "How do you do it?" and I know that my response can be short, to the point, BUT oh, so true.... JESUS!!!.. you see God has saved me and now through the Holy Spirit I am able to have the fruit of the Spirit.

Galatians 5:22-23 

²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

Am I always perfect at these attributes.. no... I fail,  I am a sinner BUT by the blood there is grace.. beautiful grace!

I want to see all of our foster children with His eyes... they have deep wounds , some that you and I will never have, I am assured that while in our home they hear Jesus, but not only hear Jesus BUT see Jesus!!! 

so as I even ask myself the same questions of being a mom of 8 and when when C is screaming her head off, J is pooping, L is in time-out, J is struggling with everyday skills, Andrew is needing me to play Jake and the never land pirates, Alexis is wanting me to kick the soccer ball with her, Lane is pulling out the card games, and Caleb is telling me a story, Doug needing his wife, dinner is needing to be cooked, toilets needing to be cleaned,  floors sticky, toys everywhere, hair bows stuck in the cup drawer, phone ringing, Dr appts, birthday parties, caseworkers, me needing a shower, dishes, and the list could go on and on.... so what is the answer???? JESUS! 

I love the scripture and it has spoke more to me in this season of life more than ever...

Philippians 4:13
I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

does he give me my years worth of strength?? no.. daily, minutely, secondly!

 

being their voice....

I remember the day I delivered Alexis I remember thinking she can't talk and she depends on Doug and I for everything!! HUGE responsibility!!!! I remember also thinking WE are her voice....and we have with all our biological children and always will when needed.... 
I also remember in our impact classes thinking and hearing that these foster children need a voice, need an advocate, need lots of love.. 

This is what we are! THEIR voice! I have so many concerns with some of our girls and I WILL be their voice! I will shout from the rooftops! I will do what God has called us to do! 

I want so badly to take all these deep wounds from these precious girls... I know that God can! (I know that God used my wounds to bring me closer to Him)
I want so badly to ask why... But He knows.
I want so badly to be the ones who make sure all needs are met.... Through Him we are!

As I wrestle everybody with the emotions that come along with fostering I am reminded that God is sovereign and We will be THEIR voice!



won't you pray for us???

their hearts
salvation
wisdom
understanding
doctors
case managers
knowledge
patience
 

Another baby??

these days lately we have LOTS of drool, fussing, poopies, diapers, bottles, wipes, bibs, clothes, 2 beds, 1 HUGE diaper bag, 2 different types of formula, 2 containers of baby food, cereals , sheets, blankets and most of all we have 2 babies that are 6 and 8 months :) ....  

the other day when Alexis and I were talking about the future with foster children she said 
"momma, we can take one more, please just one more!".... I quickly said "no!!" don't you think 8 is enough?? ... 

I have often thought lately that this was not our plans to have 4 kiddos of our own and then have 4(2 and under).. my plans and His plans did not look the same BUT I can assure you that God has us EXACTLY where He does! I am thankful and rest in HIM!!

sinful heart + His goodness and grace! = blessings!

yesterday I was so emotional... my sinful heart was not in the right place, you see,  not only are you as a foster parent dealing with scarred children (yes even ones that are only months old) but you also are dealing with a flawed worldly system. I am just the type personality (maybe to a fault) that when I need to ask a question I need someone RIGHT then.. patience is a fruit of the spirit right?? well, God has and continues to work on me.. I am a work in process!!! BUT after I finally got someone to answer my questions the Lord immediately convicted me of my sinful heart.. I was reminded and repented! a few hours later I was talking to Doug while he was on his way home  (get this picture... 2 fussy babies, lane peeling potatoes beside me, L hanging off my leg, and J playing on the fridge phonics, Alexis asking every 5 minutes "when is Caleb coming home from six flags?", and Andrew saying "Jake and the never land pirates!!") mind you it is 5:45 pm! As I spoke to Doug I got teary eyed at just how good God has been to us!.. I could not help but reflect on the "gifts" that He has given us lately through people! I went back to 1000 gifts when Ann Voscamp reminds us to LOOK and pay attention to all the gifts... It's grace! beautiful grace!!! I wanted to record these so as the time went on I could go back and see all he gives! yes, most of these things are material things BUT each person behind these makes my heart smile and will forever be etched on my heart!

while we were at the beach I met a sweet coulee from Kansas and we had the opportunity to talk and share where else other than.... the bathroom!!! what a sweet memory as she told me about her kiddos now getting older and realizing how the time flies.. she was precious and we were not at our campsite at the time but she left a big bag of charcoal with the sweetest note and ask if we would use it! yes, mam.. we cooked hamburgers that night on it! a few minutes later when we returned her son came over a gave our children a boogie board.. what a blessing because we had JUST said hours before when we go to town we need one more boogie bard... well He provided! Doug needed a pair of sunglasses and was getting one of those headaches so he said when we go to town I need sunglasses.... well.... not even hours later Alexis pops up from the ocean and she is holding a "like new" pair of sunglasses... BTW... just like the style Doug wears... you can't tell me God is not in the details of our lives :) then my new friend Brenda! oh.what.a.sweet.heart.... and spoiler !!! she made  sure that we were lacking nothing ! Brenda and her husband, sister in law and brother in law were to our left... we had so much in common! and she was just like talking to someone I had know for years! you see, the spirit recognizes the spirit! we stayed up late a couple of nights just talking! they were so generous they gave us a 5 gallon bucket, crabs (fresh), macaroni salad, tomatoes, firewood, baked beans, smores!!! and most of all a sweet memory!!! then the cutest couple to our right was celebrating their 2 year anniversary... why in the world did God allow this couple to be beside the family of "all the kiddos"  plus the Hedrixes kiddos too!!! well... our kiddos did not matter o them, they were so gracious!!! they had the cutest yorkie "Annie" of course the kiddos fell in love with Annie... I really think that they will come to griffin not only to see us BUT to attend the Griffin fair :) it was sweet to see them.. it reminded me of the short period that Doug and I were the couple with no kiddos!!! then my Alabama friend Rachel! she was having a "mommy time out" one night on the beach... I strolled down to get something out of the water and then we engaged in conversation.. what a sweet spirit! we talked and talked just about life and it was a blessed time! I really hated when we left that I had not written down my Facebook name BUT she has such a great memory she found me!!! I was so thankful! now we can keep up even miles away! then the couple that was in "the BEST campsite" well in our eyes at least ... stopped us one night and ask us about L.. (yes she was the ONLY black person at the beach so we really stood out every where we went... I hope God reveal to her that God used her in sooooo many ways to minister to others!) we stopped and he said that God kept putting foster parents and adoptive parents  in his wife and his life... he really felt like God was calling them to look further.. oh how I wish I had got their names... God knows it!  that next evening he had caught a shark and fileted it.. he stops Doug and gives him one of the filets... we used more of the firewood to cook it... and we were able to share it with 3 other campsites.. just typing this makes me thankful, joyful and prayerful! I have now many more to pray for and what a privilege that is!!!

I can't end on the blessings of all those... we are sooooo blessed with the Hendrix's!!! we have become such great friends... this was the 4th time we have been on this "annual" trip!!! NO doubt this is a tradition!! we all look forward to this time together.. we did 5 night together this year!!!! What a heart Faith and Steve have!!! Faith and I could talk for hours! about nothing! I love our time when we sit (would love to make money at that one year ) in our chairs and look and look and look for dolphins or sharks!!! getting shells brought to us, getting sandy, taking LOTS of pictures, telling the kiddos " your too far, come back this way!" then the tradition of Hungry Howie, the sunset coastal grill, then after you are STUFFED eating an ice cream at burger king just because its cheap!, going to dollar general, looking for ALLIGATORS!, playing Dutch Blitz, smelling LOTS of smoke around the campfire, seeing the "different" pairs of kiddos as they walk and play at the beach, and admiring our suntans !!! I am so thankful the we said YES to a beach trip years ago!

then as we returned home I could not wait to get our hands on J, J and C.. I was thankful that Kathy was able to keep C! she brought them so much delight, love, cuteness, and STINKY diapers!! he he!! we had to put J and J in respite care but the lady was so sweet I called to check on the girls it was a sweet reunion.. our house was finally complete!

then last week J need some MUCH needed shoes and being honest... she needed GOOD ones.. I put out on Facebook that I was looking for that size and honestly did not have lots of money to invest... as foster parents there is not always resources, they are very limited!!!  the next day I had someone I had know since a little girl sent me a Facebook and said they wanted to buy the shoes... I wept!! I was thankful that God uses us even sinful hearts to care for others!!

I see grace all in this! His grace.. it had nothing to do with  "stuff" it has to do with HIM and HIS glory!!! may I continue to remember His goodness when my heart is even in the wrong!

puzzle pieces... fitting together!

Who knows how many hours/days/weeks this blog will take me!... we have in our home right now a 5.5 month old, 7 month old, 22 month old, 2,3.5, 8,11,12... yes, my friends, that is eight kiddos.. nap time at the Lawrence's  right now... whooooo will wake up???  .... Ill keep going... we feel as though a portion of the puzzle is coming together as we are living this fast paced life right now!.. Our lives and family became bigger 11 weeks ago when we got L and C ... oh.my.goodness.... they have come leaps and bounds!!! Every single time we had to go anywhere as a family it was SOOOO tight... 3 car seats and 2 kiddos the size of adults... it was TIME... we have talked and talked and prayed for the Lord to show us the right thing.. we want to be good stewards of HIS money... so fast forward to this past weekend.. well, really lets go back 2 weeks ago... a friend was moving and had a toddler bed that she wanted to get rid of and I told her if NO one else wanted it we would take it... so we did.. set it up and L has been sleeping in it for more than a week.. so an open crib... hhhmmmmm... we had thought of putting C in it BUT mommas heart was not ready!...WHO would be in the crib upstairs?? OK.. back to the car... a BIGGER vehicle... OK our expedition held 8.. what is bigger than that?... well lets go 12.. so we did!!! we brought one home to drive this past weekend... we loved it BUT the car payment was something that we have not had in years!!! do we, don't we, do, don't???? we were seeking the Lord... we felt as if he was saying yes... but car payment?? we looked at numbers and we definitely could afford it but ugh!!! car payment... well on Monday morning we went about our business... had a great day! I even got to close my eyes during nap time... Not.like.me  but the Lord was preparing... at 5 we got a call... for 2 precious girls.. we knew them and we said YES.. that is a whole other blog... when you say YES.. God will do mighty things!!! we definitely feel like God was confirming our decision.. may this Van, Us, and the "church" (BTW.. that is YOU) bring glory and honor to God! He is worthy, He is due all the GLORY!!! He is putting puzzle pieces together as we speak... We are letting Him write our story!!!

PS.. wow I finished with NO interruptions :)

Growing up......

the past few days as I have reflected I was remided how much the "little" stage of our kiddos seems like a blink.. and of course it was! when I say little I mean infant... for all you mommas with "little" ones it too shall pass and you will look back and realize you too did blink!...

 I am only a school year away from our oldest being in HIGHSCHOOL!!!... I mean next year I will have... 2 middle schoolers... of course I will find a new normal in rearing our "older" ones.. Its different physically.. well none physical, mentally... yes... hormones going crazy, physical changes, etc.... well lets just say there are times when I say I would love to have them "little" agian but then God nudges and says ...... love them right where they are.. be content with all the things that come with growing children.. so I will!

I can't help but think of "C" and all the stages that her mom is missing.. I am trying to document everything so one day "C" will have a journal of her journey. Even "L" I am documenting what could have been her first trip to the library, soccer field, and drum roll.... she is going to the beach with us... these are moments that will forever be etched in my memory as like our own kiddos...

so all my new mommy friends... don't wish for the next step... LOVE those babies right where they are... embrace each moment, give too many hugs and kisses, and most of all document so when they look back they will see where God has brought them!

my mind went there!!!! ugh!!!

The most common words I hear when I say that we are foster parents is..

 "I could never do that because I could never give them back, I get too attached" and Yes that is a very true statement for everyone including me! we do get attached!!!

I think of the 9 children that have been in and out of our home and each one leaves a mark..

a mark of deep sadness of their situations,
a deep wound of something they did to our own children,
a deep hurt because they did not ask to be born in these situations...

Yesterday I let my mind go there..... maybe TMI but Lane had to go to the bathroom during the service yesterday and I went with her... I decided that I would go while I was in there too and it happened... I was sitting on the toilet and BAM... it hit like a ton of bricks... like when you almost cant breathe... saddened about the day these girls may leave! you see I want to publicly tell the details of their situation but, for their privacy I wont BUT the heartbreak is too much to bear! I allowed my mind to go their for a second...

THEN.......

 .....peace..... peace in the Sovereignty of God! you see, He is in control... I am not!
.....peace.....peace that He knows what is best for the girls
.....peace.....peace that God will use these girls to bring Himself glory
.....peace.....peace that no matter what He has my good in mind

So when I was washing my hands I was thanking Him for His unwavering goodness that we have the PRIVILEGE to have these girls in our home for as long as he allows and we will take each moment and bring Him all the glory!

so this is why we do it..... God has a plan and I don't want to look at my own inward hurts because in the end.... we will not wait on the sidelines wondering if we will get hurt .... we serve and bring Him glory and my friends HE IS WORTH IT!!!!

Nesting... Anticipating....

I remember the days well when I was pregnant.. yep, 4 times, I remember getting to the last weeks and doing crazy things.. painting, cleaning like a fool, and fantasizing about what the next Lawrence would look like... Nesting... anticipating..... excited....

well... no. I .am.not.pregnant. BUT my heart is nesting.

We are in "in between" foster kiddos...
Having within 2 weeks 5 of them in and out of your home all 2 and under my heart is ready...

Caleb's heart is ready, you see, he pretty much was mad, upset, scared, and rebelling against foster children... He saw how our first set of boys hurt others, very loud, disrespectful, and etc.... He was done... BUT oh, how the Lord can change a heart!!!! and He did!

God used 5 precious faces to give Caleb the "eyes of Jesus" again... The 5 kiddos loved him, clung to him (one had an 11 year old brother, whom she missed) and it was beautiful to see God transform Caleb's heart right in front of me!!!

 He is ready... we are ready.... But God we will wait... until your timing!

Baby Lane is EIGHT????

I remember it like it was yesterday all our friends called Lane "baby Lane" she was ohhhhhh soooooo cute with curly brown hair, big lips (people pay alot of money for some like these) and CUTE clothes that were soooo girlie!!! .... I love these days of thinking she is "the baby" BUT God quickly shows us how quick they grow up and become young ladies... I DO NOT like my kiddos growing up ... BUT HEY... It is gonna happen... I will embrace each age that comes! ... This sweet girl loves to have fun, giggle, play soccer, burp (yes, I said burp) loves to pick up animals off the side of the road, pester her sister, wrestle with her brother, and give me lots of cuddles!!! I am pushed to my limit everyday with her... she has lots of drive and I am praying God will use that in a BIG way as she grows up!!! I am thankful to call her daughter!! I LOVE her free spirit... she has always had it and always will!!! here is eight Lane!!! you are growing and I love you!!!

Color....

As we sat around the kitchen table last night with 4 Caucasian children and 3 African American children my heart was BLESSED...

color was not the focus....it was bonding with one another
color was not an issue....sadness that these children who had been taken from their original home was
color was not the main topic..... because these sweet precious faces made us smile
color did not separate us..... it brought us together ... as one!

When all those BIG brown eyes looked at me.... I see a beautiful souls that God created and I am blessed!

The Lord gave us the opportunity to love on babies while other foster families have a few days break!

What a blessing to know that color is not something we think about because we know all men were created in His image...

May each one of these children KNOW and LOVE Jesus!!! May they have felt His love here...

What a journey we are on ......

It makes me joyful to know our kiddos and ourselves see no color! Its only LOVE <3

Home is hard to leave....

the time has come... our older kiddos are not wanting to go spend days and days with my in laws in Florida... they are becoming home bodies!!! I am so thankful that they want to be here! They want to be with us, they love their own beds, they want to be with each other, the thought of being 6 hours away make them sad, the long drive heading south does not sound fun anymore, the lake that they once LOVED to play in is no longer exciting......

They are growing up (when I say they I am speaking of Alexis and Caleb) ...

Alexis told us the other day that she and Caleb were like twins (they are 18 1/2 months apart) they LOVE each other, they have a special bond, they NEVER fight, they giggle at the same things, think alike at times, and always are the best cheerleader for one another, they push each other to make them better, and I am thankful that they have this sweet relationship... It has always been like this from day one... Alexis has held, loves, cuddled, dropped (yes, when he was 2 months old she got him out of the swing because he was crying and I heard it... But he needed you mommy!!) bossed, cheered, prayed for, lost sleep (yes.. she spent the night when he was in the hospital with an asthma attack) read labels for his diet, and just been there for him..... Its  a special bond for sure!!!

When they were asked to go to Granny and Grandpas for a 5 day stay.... Caleb with out hesitation says NOPE... I am not going to be away that long and Lane was like YES!!!! I am going, Andrew was YES!!! I am going and here is Alexis so torn.... she is a pleaser and DOES not like to disappoint!! she always has others feelings in mind... "Granny will be sad" she says... and for DAYS she wrestled with this decision.... tears and all... and finally she just said I can't go!!!  I will miss y'all and I don't want to be 6 hours away... BABY it is OK!!! you can stay at home till you get married!!! My heart was full!!! They love us, our home,  our family! I am grateful!!

Lane and Andrew will go and they will have so much fun!!! because like the older ones... there will come a day when they will not want to go to...

cute sayings.... just recently!

Andrew: mommy did God make me so cute?
Me: yes, yes He did!
Andrew: did He make Miguel cute too?
Me: yes... ((( followed by a belly laugh)))


Lane and daddy were going to the store to get ibuprofen
Lane says confused... we need to get "I pro vie ocean"

2 weeks later .... Reflecting!

Its been a little over 2 weeks and here I sit at the computer after this "quiet" place the Lord has had me in!.. oh, how grateful I have been in a quiet place so I can hear Him.. His sweet voice reminding me who I am in Him, How much I am loved, How He provided me a beautiful family, How He sanctified me with the foster boys, How He is worth it, How life is consumed by Him, How I have been blessed by family and friends..... He is the great healer, deliver, sustainer, comforter, and the great I am!

I have reflected over the last 2 weeks and I am so thankful He put our family on this path of fostering. Now don't get me wrong my flesh reared its ugly head MANY times with the system, But God is bigger than the system. I have no doubt God called us to foster! I know that eternal impact is oh so worth the heart ache!...

I miss the boys! the past few  nights we have laughed so hard at a video that Alexis recorded of N... it was a 1 minute video that summed up his personality... our house is quiet... there are days (it sounds weird) that I would like the loudness... But they are gone, but praying the seeds that were scattered are not!...

I have had some catch up time... loving on my friends that I missed soooo much while the boys were here. I FINALLY used my Starbucks gift card that Whitney gave me , I had coffee with a sweet friend Jill, I was able to make dinner for another friend that had been battling sickness in her house, I have been able to talk to some high school friends that are looking into homeschooling, I have sat in the car at the soccer field and have an uninterrupted conversation with Faith, plan a surprise birthday for Michele, hang with my sister, have fun when momma was here, meeting Mindy at the park, taking time for a walk with Lori (5 miles baby!!!), and time with Joe and Lydia (couple that wanted us to walk through their 1st year of marriage, well they have been married for more than that but still meet with us!!! LOVING IT!)and the list could go on!!!!

But most of all I have loved being "our" family for a time! I have LOVED listening to the giggles, fighting, Wii dance, switching faces app, getting a new family member "Lucy", spend the nights, not having to rush out of CC, spending lazy Saturdays laying in bed with Doug, not being "stuck" on a schedule, and again the list could go on and on!!!

We know that time is short before we get the next call... so we stop, love, and thank God for all the many blessings!!!!

bittersweet.... a new journey

I need to be doing everything BUT sitting on this computer writing a blog BUT my heart is so heavy, full, but peaceful! can those all go together... maybe not... BUT today is the day.

The boys that God brought to our home and challenged me in sooooo many ways are leaving... last night I was gathering toys, clothes, knick knacks and I was peaceful.... I am thankful that we had this time to invest in them.

 

We (through the Lords guidence) brought 2 boys that were literally bouncing off the walls to normal boys that had control.

Boys that screamed at the top of their voices to boys that use their inside voice.

Boys that ate so fast with their hands to eating with a fork or spoon.

Boys that had never prayed over a meal to asking for a turn to pray.

Boys that learned how to get along with others (well, most of the time)

Boys that had a warm bed.

Boys who saw what a family is really like.

Boys who had a family pray for them.

Boys who heard that Jesus was really a baby (E had NEVER heard this)

Boys (well really only E)knows what sin is

and so many more things...

 

But today is the day that they take the next journey in their life... praying that all the seeds that were planted here fell sooooooo deep in good soil so they can come to know the Lord as their personal Lord and savior....

 

God has done a great work in Doug and myself revealing our sin and although it was sooooo hard having it revealed I know that God will use it! This was God using this situation to sanctify us more into His image!!!!!!!  oh, how it it painful..... BUT oh, how it is worth it!