catch-up.. kinda

I am finally catching up on my blog..kinda!.. life has been a little lonely with 'J" leaving.. I miss him, I miss the smell of a newborn, snuggles, and so many other things.. BUT I am also enjoying having a little break. We have for a little over 2 years had 23 foster children.. I am gonna enjoy having only one and ENJOYING my own children too! Fostering is tough and to be honest it is a LONELY road.. only other foster parents can REALLY understand how fostering a child is not like the ones you birthed.. so as I go journey through life it is lonely.. things are not always so cutsie when "M" is doing things and you know some of those things stems back to his brokenness..


As I pray and seek the Lords will I am also pleading with Him to know my heart... you see I never thought this journey would lead my heart for adoption but it is now longing for it.. not sure if it is I am EXHAUSTED with DFACS.. the visits, the caseworkers, the transporters, the complaints from the moms, the not so truthful things said, and the list goes on.... or if He has pricked my heart for something different..

I am longing to see what God will do.

wanna know something.........

this post.. its a hard one... I always say this is my journal of where my feelings are at a particular time.. so here it goes! Tired.. yep I said it.. we are so.very.tired.. we fall into the bed every night and pray that little man sleeps all night.. Doug has been training a new guy so he has been at our house by 4am every.single.day.. Doug is up by 3-3:45 every morning. I on the other hand get up anywhere between 4:30 and 5:30.. I have to have my quiet time and COFFEE before my day starts... we got a new foster baby 'P' and oh she is precious all 11 months precious... BUT she is in a transition period (many things) and its hard on her  but she will do fine... I have no doubts she will thrive and do so well here. I lean on the Lord for His strength and grace as we tread new waters of a 13 week old, 11 month old, and 19 month.. plus our 4.. BUT Jesus has been so good to me and helps me every.single.second... seriously I do not know how people go through life without Jesus... also we are in FULL blown school! oh.my!!! lots of tears, frustration, love, excitement all bundled up in a package... running.. I love that I am back to my running routine.. thankful that the Lord gave me a running partner who also understands tired soooo if we get tired we walk :) ...  and something that soooo man people say to be and have said over the past years since our fostering journey... you are super mom.. just for the record I am weak BUT He is strong, I am undone BUT He is not, I am not worthy to come before Him, BUT Jesus is my advocate, I am a sinner, BUT He makes me right with Him, I am tired BUT He is never weary,  I am me and He is Jesus.. I am not super mom , I am a momma who seek and runs after Jesus every second, every minute, everyday.. I always want to point all these things to Jesus.. I am so thankful He chose me.. now may I be obedient to share Him always with whomever I see!

BLOG # 202

I looked at how many entries I had written the other day.. 202! seems like a lot then I think about all the life events, tears, cheers, burdens, love, birthdays, sanctification, countries.. that happened in these short 202 blogs.. when I started my blog back in 2010 I wanted to have somewhat of a "scrapbook" of our family.. Who knew that it would become my thoughts ?? It is a great reminder that we have our ways BUT the Lord determines our steps.. I have been thankful to look back and see what we have done, said, loved, and been.. I am thankful for blogging.. now just to get this thing printed off!!! LOL!!!

A night Full of... Him!

Tonight as I sat and drank my Decaf coffee ... disclaimer*** I did NOT want to be up all night!!!.. just for the record.. Who drinks decaf anyway?? ... 

I looked around the upstairs of Safehouse coffee.. I listened to the laughs, stories, struggles, seeing tears, smiles from ear to ear, purple toes... my heart was full.. it was beautiful to see the ladies that the Lord brought together from different backgrounds, different cities, different cultures, different struggles, different everything.... 

But ALL had the same heart.. they all love the Lord and it just pours out of them! I am so thankful for  this journey of homeschool and community that CC has brought to me! May this school year be All about Him and All for His glory!

Been a while... hear where my heart is ....

in the foster world you NEVER know when the next call will come in.. you never know what your "numbers" will be... well the day after coming home from the beach we got a call.. not just any call but a straight from the hospital call... yep a 3 day old... oh, my!!! He is a doll baby!!! We still have "M" 19 months old.. and of course the big ones!!!... we have had lots of fun going back the the cuddly stage of newborns.. eating, sleeping, pooping!!!... oh and some lost sleep.. we , I think, are finally in a somewhat of a schedule.. last bottle at 10:15ish and then sleeping till 4:30.. we have done pool parties, tennis lessons, stone Mountain laser show, 2 night camping trip, dog sitting, and I know more but when I have a brain toot I always say " I have a newborn, you know?" HE HE!!!! We are good.. Ill be honest my heart more and more is wanting an adoption situation.. you see we have had 18 foster children and the have all went home... we did not go into this for adoption but my heart seems to be longing for that.. just being honest .. I'm not sure all the kiddos that went back had a great situation.. I think that is why my heart is aching for one that can stay.. one that I know will have every need met, every single second, every single day... this fostering journey is not for the faint of heart! there is pain, longing to care for broken ones (because we are all undone, broken and needy... and we need Jesus!) the two we have now my heart aches thinking about them leaving... BUT again I always go back to God is in control, God knows what is best, and also God knows my heart... I want to trust, I want to believe all these things.. and I don't always understand what He is doing but I will rest in Him, rest in His timing, and rest if He says "no" to any adoption situation... 

I could not help but think of these verses
Isaiah 55:8
8"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
9 "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts.…

enjoying our children exactly where they are.....

It is soooo true that time flies, life is a vapor, you blink and these children that you once nursed, lost sleep, cuddled so tightly, cleaned poopy diapers, and heard temper tantrums .... they are now growing up.. maturing! I am enjoying having my "older children" yes it has brought so many changes, hard lessons, and lots of prayers.

When we went camping we took our older ones 
(the foster baby stayed with someone else) it was so nice to have everyone self sufficient... they could go ride their scooters, go to bath house, go ahead of us to the beach, and fix them selves snacks! I enjoyed that! I needed that rest!

I am enjoying them growing up.. I want to cry ball my eyes out thinking about them leaving home BUT there is still time for me to love on them and listen to them before that time comes! I love the fact that they are enjoying being older too!

Thank you Lord that you allow me to love YOUR children, to raise them, to guide and direct them by your word... you are so good to us as their parents that you allow us to pour into them!

Coffee... you are so good to me :)

seriously... I wonder if I REALLY do have an issue with my love for coffee?? mmmm.. what do you think?? well don't answer that question!!! I have to admit that the Lord has revealed through MANY people that my love for coffee is real, it is true, it is a crazy love for sure. so the question is .. Could I go without coffee? I think yes.. BUT I just don't want to (imagine a 2 year old throwing himself on the floor screaming) yep,  it is real folks.. I love it.. even as I was writing this blog my friend Gina posted on my timeline a picture of a chicken that says " I could get through the day without coffee BUT you don't want me too" OH how this is SOOOO true!!!.. so I love coffee! that's it!! now we may go back to our day :)

seriously, a peace you want!

yep.. tomorrow is the day... We go to court with 3 of our foster kiddos. such a mix of emotions that really only other foster parents understand! I can try to explain the feelings over and over but a clear picture would never be seen.. its like a humbo jumbo all in one! 

I think of the what ifs... the "mad" part of me , the letting go, the list goes on..The struggle is real with the thoughts of letting go but I have to remember that God loves the children more than I do!  BUT I have peace... not from the outcome but the peace of the Lord! He is my peace.. I will not be tossed back and forth!

I want to think I am the best parent.. but that is pride! so in the end as we hear the ruling I will walk away knowing I am better because of these children and they will always be etched in our hearts! 

I trust the Lord and I know His ways are higher than mine and He gives peace in the midst of the storm.. I remember that He also is the final judge so that is why I pour Jesus in all our children! Thanking the Lord for the overwhelming peace ONLY He can give!

shout outs!

Andrew every so often comes in our bed in the early morning hours.. EVERY time it is because he has had a dream.. sometimes good , sometimes bad.. he just snuggles and snuggles! I know the time with our children gooooooes sooooooo fast I almost reverse parent him.. not expecting less but just different.. I was about to start this blog and he is sleeping in the bed right behind me and I just heard him say..... "stop tooting on the couch" ... "do you know where my red superman cape is? ...  He screams things out so often when he is asleep.. sometimes his dreams are just so scary for a 4 year old.. we always say at night "Andrew, you have good dreams tonight!!!"  I do love the times he comes in our room! I know he will remember the warmth of being between his mommy and daddy even when he is older!

You are I AM and you wreck me...

sometimes ALL the time God wants us to repent (turn from our sin) and receive that forgiveness through His son Jesus... I was/am guilty.. yes.. GUILTY of pride.. you see Pride is the root of all sin!

Proverbs 16:5 Everyone who is arrogant in heart is an abomination to the Lord; be assured, he will not go unpunished. 

we love ourselves and we think in comparison to others we are "good" when in all honesty we are NOT!

Romans 3:10as it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one;

you see that is not taught in most churches now days.. sin is not brought up.. Now a days the church service, events and most everything we come in contact with seems to tell us it is all about us!... the Word has been diluted, trampled, and down right ignored these days.. it seems as though when we are in our sin no one wants to approach you because that would be "judging".....

Gal. 6:1 Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. 

I have been doing a bible study on Tuesday mornings and it has rocked no wrecked my heart... Are we making our own God of the Bible or are we digging into the scriptures to see God for who He TRULY is?? Do I go through the day and have little or no regard for Him? When we are in the midst of trials, temptations, everyday life .. do we consider what God thinks or says about it? I remember hearing a story one time about a lady who was asked if she wanted a sofa and she responded "Ill pray about it." it is a sofa for crying our loud BUT what a great picture of how God wants to communicate.. to most it seemed like something silly to pray about BUT He is concerned with His children.. He hears our prayers, He loves that we come to Him even in the "small" stuff... I am thankful for this study.. it makes me come to the fact that I fall short BUT in His grace and mercy I am redeemed.. and I am not to take God lightly.. He is worthy, Holy, and to be the up most respected! I am thankful that our pastor holds the word in such high regard...

Lord I thank you for wrecking me ... may you continue.. 

This song came on in the car earlier... it has such RICH truths about God..
YOU ARE I AM by Mercy Me
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2JI4CPfuLW0

this song takes me back to the day the Lord called me to go to China... This song speaks so much to me.. I sit and listen over and over and I miss China.. I miss the people, I miss the oppression because they have no hope and I have the answer of Jesus for them!!, why go to China?? They need to hear the hope that is within me and any other believer. I know the oppression in our own cities here and I share.. LOTS... but it can seem overwhelming all the time.. with all the recent events that have happened in the news.. will we talk? complain? or will we DO something? I don't want to be a sideline christian! The need is great , the need is real, and we are never promised tomorrow! who wants to come along side us??

A little letter to our sweet J and J

UGH  words that just make you "pause"  as they are saying those words... they are leaving... then followed up with .....well now its up to the judge BUT in the deepest part of you...   you say to yourself.. prepare!

yep we are now in prepping mode... I mean REALLY how do you prepare for a departure of someone who you have bonded with, cuddled, clean and are still cleaning poopy bottoms, one who has thrown up on you, one who you gave joy to, sang "Bless the Lord oh my soul" to, taught how to walk, seen their first smile, countless doctors appts, fighting the system just to get a bill paid, advocating, feeding, taking on camping trips, soccer field, seen a neglected child blossom into a flower, countless times buckling into the car, being the mom that pushed to make you the best God wanted you to be, and the list goes on!!

almost a year.. little J was 8 months when we got her we saw the first of most things they do as a baby... now 19 months and feisty but oh the most LOVING mommas girl ever!!! and big J.. how you have changed... yes you came to us oh so sad... you could barely walk and we worried and advocated for you from day one.. there were and are still time that our opinion just doesn't matter in your long term care... I know in the depth of who I am that I did all I could to speak when you could not! I am so proud of the precious little lady you have become..  You two will always have a special place in this mommas heart! we love you both!

I write this as I have BIG tears rolling down my face... This journey is hard BUT I also believe in the sovereignty of God and I rest in that... we had them almost a year and I am thankful for the time we did have.. The Lord knew before the foundation of the world that a this time these girls would be with us and when they would leave.. I trust.. although it is still sad I trust God and His plans!

The blogs that are HARD!

seriously a friend said to me the other day that when your children are younger your blogs seem to be easier to write.. and OH,  DO I FIND THAT TRUE!!!! I have thought so many times that I had a blog on my tongue about the older kiddos to then... GO BLANK.... these years are hard.. no one REALLY wants to put into words some of the things that come with parenting pre-teens and teens.... It is hard.. like really hard.

I realize that 13 is tough.. hormones like crazy and sometimes cold hearts make for interesting school time and friends... I remember being there... it was tough... 13 is a year of testing boundaries and seeing how much freedom you can have... and add fostering to that... yep.. I'm real and times here have been quite hard ...BUT I know that God is doing a great work in these times in her and myself.. can I get a witness on any of this???

11 ALMOST 12....Boy... that is all I have to say... hormones.. yep... it happens and its real people.. I am sooo very thankful that Caleb about a month ago realized the magnitude of his sin against God.. not only outward sin but you know that sin the is deep.. like soooo deep?? GREAT conversations about taking that to the Lord, protecting your eyes and heart.. I am so grateful for these conversations!

9..... well its LANE that is 9... she is her own person and wants to wear makeup, shave her legs, straighten her hair and be ALL about fashion.. hang on baby.... use all that fire for God and His glory... You are a precious one... BUT 9 is hard.. she wants to be JUST LIKE THE BIG ones.. she is upset that she can't go on the mission trip with Bro David and Angela.. hang in there.. your time will come..

so as I blog about our older ones.. I am embracing these new challenges.. although they are tough... I welcome what God is doing... He is still on the throne and He will do a great work in all our hearts!

When life seems hard.... there is Gods word for EVERYTHING... we dont need any other source outside His word... so I hang on this!

James 1:2-4
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

19 days....

19 days since my last post... it just seems like yesterday that I was typing this last blog.. y'all!!! I blinked time is passing so quickly! I have wondered in this time what have we been doing... well lets see??

stomach virus.... well 2 really... yuck! no fun.. do not pass go and do not collect $200.. 2 in 3.5 weeks seem a little extreme BUT hey your dealing with the Lawrences.. everyone including mom EXCEPT for little J this year has got the virus... can you say stomach of steal!!!!!!

soccer... yep! lots of it.. I LOVE watching the kiddos play.. Lane has found her sweet spot on the field but his momma is having a hard time with the goal.. yep goalie! she is doing great we..... except now... possible broke foot! we go tomorrow am to the ortho :(

Foster reform 101! The Lord has been working in my heart for a while on some changes.. am I the only one who wants to see some changes.. ummm.. NO! from staff, directors, foster parents we want to see change.. real change! I had several great meetings and I am in the process of typing letters to send and also meetings with senators and reps in our area.. THE KIDS come first.. its about them...

home stretch of school! ahhh.. I totally have spring fever.... STAY FOCUSED.. almost there! you can do it!

being thankful EVEN when its hard... teens, laundry, cooking, chauffeuring, being mommy Dr, patience.. and I could go on.. this time of sickness.. craziness.. I have sometimes fought for thankfulness.. just being honest... it has seemed lonely so many times. I have fought for Joy , peace.. and I go.. digging into the word for strength.. stepping out of this world and into Him! praying He would be the one to turn to. Asking for guidance and strength. My friend Jen G always reminded me of the scripture
Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

I have leaned on this! I am thankful for this.. having 5 kiddos 4 and under.

so life is like a vapor.. yep so fast.. I don't want to miss a second of my children!

Behold your God.. for who He is!

for the first time in a few years we have a ladies bible study that meets at our church on Tuesday Mornings.. its a blessing and came at the exact timing!.. The older kiddos help in the nursery along with Bro. David.. OK... he has been peed on and tugged at for 5 weeks now :) I laugh because he is running the show.. well maybe Alexis really is..

This study is OH>SO>GOOD.... BUT also Yet sooooooooo convicting! I have been repenting in my own heart about how I have not elevated our Lord to the standard in which He holds himself... I must say it is not fluffy, feel good, about me... no you see its about Him... Its about who He is... about His salvation that He gives... do you see the key words here?? HE... not me... now a days it seems like everything must be about me... especially when it comes to church...
How can I be a better wife, husband, friend?
How to have better finances?
How to have the best life?
How to claim my prayer circles?
How to ........ fill in the blank......

God is HUGE, all powerful, all knowing, sovereign, Holy, perfect, just, creator, loving, sustainer..... WOW.. that should  make us all fall before our Lord in thankfulness, gratitude, awe!

then there is us.... and believe me we are NONE of these things.... nope.. we fall short....its called SIN (an immoral act considered to be a transgression against divine law) .....  this is why the gospel is sooooooooo beautiful.... we have fallen short and we can't even be in the presence of God in our state.... BUT God in His grace, love, mercy sent His son to die... a horrific death so that the blood of His own son could cleanse and make us whole..... so we may be in the presence of God... Holy, Blameless, Pure!!! amen...

This is the gospel.... this is not what our modern churches are teaching... they don't seem to say sin... its almost like a banned word...

My heart is heavy for the North American church........

I have to agree with AW Tozer when he says “The church in North America is 1000 miles wide but 1/2 inch deep" 

Are we ever gonna be out of the diaper stage???

going on 14 years .. yep.. the diaper stage.... many times I thought man.... I am sooooo done with diapers... then BOOM!!! you get another foster baby in diapers! A sweet friend sent me an article on an almost retired couple that adopted teenagers!.. yep... that Winnebago is on hold!! 

You see God doesn't call us to be comfortable... He calls us to lean on Him... He doesn't call us to this "easy" life... He calls us to lean on Him... He doesn't call us to retirement... He calls us to serve Him till we go on to be with Him....

I have thought many times that it would be sooooo much easier if I had all figured out... But God calls us to trust in Him... A part of me thinks life would be so much easier if I didn't have 3 kiddos in diapers... changing... all.the.time... but then I realize the selfishness in that and realize foster care children HAVE NO ONE else.. foster care is the last resort.. no family can even take them for the most part.... WHO would change those diapers??? who would love them????who would wipe the snotty noses?????... who would comfort them?? who would give them siblings and a DADDY (BTW most don't even know who their dad is!)???

sooooooo... I continue to change diapers.... our children continue to show them what a sibling is like.... family gatherings..... family movie night.....Dr appts.......manners....... but most of all LOVE from the Father!!!    we press on .......

some encourgement for us moms... and others too!

Do you ever have days that NOTHING you have planned works out?? as a busy mom to 8 I know that everyday can bring something new and sometimes things that I have planned just don't get done.. can I get an AMEN!!!!! I was speaking to one of the case managers  for our kiddos and she relpied.. I have got nothing done that I needed to do.. lots of other things popped up.. we laughed and then I said something that I always say to myself when days just don't seem to go as planned... " God had something different for me today!" 
I always want to rest in Him, rest in His sovereignty, rest in His plan, rest in His salvation, rest under His wings..... I think I have all these plans and when those things don't happen I am reminded once again that He is in control. May that be where we all are... resting in HIM! He knows what is best, He loves us, He cares for us, He meets us..... right where we are! I am so thankful that God is there.. He knows my inner being, He knows my heart.(yikes) .. He is so good to us even when we THINK we know what is best!.. so today I pray that we would rest in His plan, His love and His sovereignty!

keep.repeating.to.myself.too!!!

It only can get lost so many times till.... you dont find it.

Last night we ordered Doug a new wedding ring.. we laughed soooo hard because we ordered off Amazon... I mean we are prime members and we get free shipping and get this it was 88% off retail... I thought it was a GREAT deal!!!! I mean we are frugal... well maybe cheap.... We want to be good steward of the Lords money... soooo you may ask well WHY did you have to buy another ring... well.... Christmas when we went to the wilderness in the smokies Doug rode the "tidal wave" ride... he was body boarding along and all of a sudden he stopped.. ran up to the man who was the 
"professional" and told them that his ring had came off... well this cute little boy was behind Doug and started his adventure on this... well they had called maintenance and while this kiddo was on the ride having the time of his life... it stopped... water gone.. maintenance had arrived... we felt TERRIBLE!!!! that ride was shut down for at least 15 minutes hunting, diving, and searching high and low for the ring... well... no sign..... we were disappointed... the kiddos even sad .. they thought that was the bond of Doug and I .. I was disappointed that he lost it but we reminded the kiddos that  the wedding band was only an outward symbol of what God had already bonded in our marriage and covenant with Him! this then reminded them of baptism... and outward symbol of what God had done on the inside.. if we take the time we can pour sooo many truths in our kiddos.. take that opportunity, talk, converse... you will not regret it!!!!
This was the 3rd time this ring had fallen off Doug's hand.. we have found it previously in the bottom of the outside garbage can... yes full of trash... GAG!!! GROSS... we also found it out in the middle of the woods with get this.... a metal detector.... well the 3rd time it is swimming somewhere at the Wilderness in the smokies... hey.. if you are there and come across a ring.. be sure to tell us !!! LOL!!!


here is a picture of the new ring.. I love it!!! $23.00's baby!!! I love a good deal!!! the picture says 29.99 BUT we got it just in time to get another discount sooooo you know I love to save money!!!! $23.00 :)

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00HZUFGL6/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s01?ie=UTF8&psc=1

This kid is SOOOOO funny!!

if you know Andrew well you know that he does not think like other kiddos at his age.. He CRACKS us up!!!  just some recent funnies

He had just drank some water and was gulping... lots of air... then a few minutes later he says "mommy, my stomach hurts." "I replied what does it feel like?" his response.... "it feels like crumbled eggs!"

"I cant drink this water it smells!" Doug replies "what does it smell like?" "it smells like the dogs breath!!!!"

a N inja... interpreted  "A Ninja" you still can convince him it is A NINJA!!!

story told by Ms Mary at church :: We were reading the Christmas story from Luke and talked about how Jesus' Mom wrapped him in swaddling clothes. He said Miss Mary how come Jesus mom swallowed him up! Too cute....makes me smile....just love him.

just a couple of funnies I wanted to make sure I have so I wont forget these...

visits with grandparents...

oh, boy... where do you start?? Andrew last week went to my in-laws house... boy oh boy.... he went by himself and guess what he was the only child for 4 nights.. one on one attention (which is great) BUT coming back home is a real shocker to a system.. yes.. you are now back to one of 7.. 8 if I include Doug as one who I take care of too.. THAT can take a toll on a 4 year old system... He has been bouncing off the walls and EVERYtime it is time to go to bed.... CRY... because he wants to watch a movie... ummmm NO.. you have school tomorrow and we don't need a TV to go to bed... I am forever grateful for grandparents and one day I will be one myself... but for now I have to retrain the brain.. Andrew you are back home buddy!!! I love you sweet boy!!!